Afternoon Television

AL: Marge, turn on the fucking TV.

MARGE: Just wait a fucking minute, will you, Al? I left the remote in the kitchen.

AL: Okay, and while you are getting it, get me another fucking beer.

MARGE: Al, we’re down to our last twelve pack. When are you gonna pick up some more?

AL: Sometime tonight, Marge. Don’t get on my fucking case right now, will you? I just wanna kick back right now and watch some TV.

CLICK!

ANNOUNCER: Once again, it’s time for Chet and Chuck on Sports.

CHET: Hi, sports fans. It sure is a great day in the sports world, isn’t it, Chuck? I never thought the Meadow Muffins would ever beat the Road Apples.

CHUCK: Yeah, it sure is. For sometime now the Meadow Muffins ruled the sport. This new turn-around is the most surprising thing to hit the sports world since the Houston Assholes whipped the Chicago Bullshitters!

CHET: You’re right there, Chuck. But still not all that many people were completely surprised. You will remember that early in the season the Meadow Muffins fought the Road Apples to a tie.

CHUCK: Yeah, and everybody all around was completely dumbfounded when they actually beat the Road Apples in their third, fourth, and fifth games.

CHET: Still, their winning margins were so close that those early victories didn’t do all that much for most Meadow Muffin fans.

CHUCK: But in the sixth game they beat the Road Apples by thirteen points, and I still remember how all hell broke loose in Meadow Muffin fandom.

CHET: Yeah. Everyone all over the whole country seemed to be a Meadow Muffin fan that day. From what I understand, sports fans everywhere partied hard for three days afterward. And everyone around…

CLICK!

ANNOUNCER: And now once again on Raise That Price we are down to our last two finalists. On the left is Robert Stern; and on the right is Herbert Elliot. Let’s hear it now for these two very talented contestants!

(Audience applauds and cheers.)

Well, Gentlemen, let’s see what’s on the table between the two of you (raises a cloth cover, revealing a small bottle).

Well, what we’ve got here is an eight-ounce bottle of men’s cologne from Pierre Etront. In this final round, gentlemen, you have only ten seconds to Raise That Price! We will start at the sound of the buzzer. The opening bid in this case is $100. Since Mr. Elliot is the challenger, he will come up with the first bid.

HERBERT ELLIOT: Two hundred dollars!

ROBERT STERN: Five hundred dollars!

HERBERT ELLIOT: One thousand dollars!

ROBERT STERN: Two thousand dollars!

HERBERT ELLIOT: Four thousand dollars!

ROBERT STERN: Ten thousand dollars!

HERBERT ELLIOT: Fifteen thou–

BUZZZZZZZ!

ANNOUNCER: Well, gentlemen, once again the buzzer has sounded, and we will have to stop bidding. Mr. Elliot, since the buzzer interrupted you in the middle of your bid, Robert Stern has the winning bid of $10,000!

(The audience jumps to its feet, applauds, cheers, and becomes hysterical. Some of them come up on the stage to slap Robert Stern on the back and dance with him as the band plays the show’s theme music in the background.)

Well, I have never seen this enthusiastic a reaction from our audience to one of our contestants for I don’t know how long. I can’t say that I blame them, however, for it has been a great performance by both of you. By the way, gentelemen, what kind of work do you do?

ROBERT STERN: I am a purchasing agent for the Pentagon.

HERBERT ELLIOT: I write up sales contracts for General Dyanmics!

ANNOUNCER: Well, that certainly is very patriotic work, and I am sure that…

CLICK!

AL: I’m getting sick of this shit, Marge. It’s as bad as The Price is Right or the Wheel of Fortune. Let’s turn on Geraldo!

MARGE: Look, you watched Geraldo yesterday. I wanna watch Michele Bimbeaux.

AL: Okay, have it your way. I still don’t see what you like about that fucking cunt!

CLICK!

ANNOUNCER: Hi! Are you interested in finding a fascinating new hobby with great educational value for your kiddies? If so, why don’t you send away for a Majestic cockroach farm. A Majestic cockroach farm will teach your kids just as much about insect life as an ant farm but is much more sturdy and easy to maintain.

For only fifteen dollars, you can have a scientifically designed Majestic cockroach farm of your very own. Here is what you get: A one-by-two-foot metal tray and a year’s supply of the finest in cockroach food fortified with all the nutrients that cockroaches need to thrive at their very best.

Once you get your Majestic cockroach farm, you and your family will have all sorts of fun selecting individual roaches as pets and running races with them.

You can even bring out the artist in yourself by painting their shells with cockroach shell polish in a wide variety of decorator colors, which we will include with your Majestic cockroach farm absolutely free.

If you were to buy this cockroach shell polish separately, it would cost you at least another seven dollars. So what are you waiting for? You will never find a better value than this!

To order your Majestic cockroach farm today, dial 1-800-ROACHES. Once again, that is 1-800-ROACHES.

SECOND ANNOUNCER: Another fine product of Majestic Novelties, Incorporated, a division of the Uranus Corporation.

THIRD ANNOUNCER: Once again, the Twentieth Century Fux Cable TV Network presents the Michele Bimbeaux Show, starring that internationally famous television personality Michele Bimbeaux. And Here’s Michele!

MICHELE BIMBEAUX: (Walking to her large, elegant chair on the set to the whistles and applause of everyone in the audience as she throws them kisses) Ah, thank you, thank you. You’re such a wonderful audience. I’m always happy to see that each audience I have is even more wanderful than the one I had before!

Once again, we will be discussing strippers. But today’s strippers are special. They are pygmy chimpanzees direct from the heart of Africa. Now I know you must be wondering how chimpanzees can be made into strippers. Well, it’s very easy according to their trainer, Dr. Heinrich Dreckfresser. Let’s give a big welcome to Dr. Dreckfresser!

(Dr. Dreckfresser, dressed in a power leisure suit that he had especially tailored for him, walks slowly onto the stage to the cheers and applause of the audience, throwing them kisses as he assumes his place on the chair next to Michele Bimbeaux.)

Welcome to our show, Dr. Dreckfresser!

DR. DRECKFRESSER: Thank you. It’s a pleasure to be here.

MICHELE BIMBEAUX: From what I can see, you have an interesting background indeed. Training chimpanzees to be strippers is not the first work you have done with animals.

DR. DRECKFRESSER: No indeed! It was only after becoming interested in saving the environment that I started to do animal conditioning.

MICHELE BIMBEAUX: I see.

DR. DRECKFRESSER: So I set about developing some conditioning methods to turn carnivores into herbivores. They did contain some negative conditioning elements, and various animal rights activists accused me of cruelty to animals, not knowing what I was trying to accomplish.

MICHELE BIMBEAUX: How unfortunate.

DR. DRECKFRESSER: Yes it was, but don’t worry. I think I know how to solve the problem using new techniques of genetic engineering.

MICHELE BIMBEAUX: Oh, how wonderful! I understand that you also single-handedly saved an endangered species from extinction.

DR. DRECKFRESSER: Yes indeed. It was the spotted crablouse, which was almost completely overwhelmed by the common crablouse in the usual kind of environmental competition. But I found 300 different volunteer hosts at San Quentin prison for the spotted crablouse, and I am now sure it won’t go the way of the dodo bird.

MICHELE BIMBEAUX: Oh, how wonderful! I also understand that you have had a career as a country-and-western singer.

DR. DRECKFRESSER: Well, not exactly a career. So far it has been little more than a hobby. But I do have a smal coterie of hardcore fans.

MICHELE BIMBEAUX: How wonderful! I understand you brought a video clip with your latest song.

DR. DRECKFRESSER: As a matter of fact, I did.

MICHELE BIMBEAUX: Yes, and I’m sure all of us are very eager to hear it. But first we must pause for this important message:

ANNOUNCER: Have you ever thought how nice it would be to have an interesting hobby that could turn into a profitable full-time job that could make you financially independent? Well, collecting classified ads could be just the thing for you as it is now for thousands of other people.

Take for example Elmo Dirk. He used to deliver newspapers for the Frisby City Times and Weekly Gazette and was rapidly going nowhere. Listen to his story in his own words:

ELMO DIRK: You’ll never know how frustrated I felt with my dead-end job at the Frisby City Times and Weekly Gazette. My parents kept telling me my life was going nowhere and that I should work hard to be somebody before it was too late. In time I got so desperate I thought I would have to leave Frisby City.

Then in the Weekly World News I saw this ad about how I could get rich by collecting and selling classified ads. All I had to do was by a thirty-dollar book that would give me all the know-how I needed. In no time at all I saved up the purchase price for the book, and am I evere glad I bought it!

I started out merely collecting classified ads on a modest scale, and soon I went on to sell them. Now I have my own mail-order cagalogue which goes all over the world and makes me so much money I’m embarrassed to reveal it to the IRS. Now if I can do this, you can too. Send for this book today. It will be the bet thing you ever did for yourself.

ANNOUNCER: The same book that Elmo Dirk bought for $30.00 you can buy for only $20.00. All you have to do is dial 1-800-CLASSADS. Once again, that is 1-800-CLASSADS. Mastercard and Visa accepted.

MICHELE BIMBEAUX: Once again, we are back with Dr. Heinrich Dreckfresser, who brought us a clip of some of his country-and-western music. I myself just can’t wait to hear it. Isn’t it exciting? (Audience cheers and applauds.) Okay, let’s run it:

DR. DRECKFRESSER: (Singing):

You better not kick my doggie, for it don’t show any class. If you keep on kicking my doggie, then I’ll go and kick your ass. If you keep on kicking my doggie, you won’t have no girls at all, for I’ll go and cut off both your balls, and I’ll hang them on the wall.

MICHELE BIMBEAUX: How vivid! (The audience whistles and roars.) For some reason we seem to be having technical difficulties with our videotape equipment, but our audience seems to LOVE your music. Isn’t that true everyone? (More cheers and applause) Isn’t Dr. Dreckfresser simply wonderful?! (The audience whistles, cheers, and stomps its feet on the floor.)

DR DRECKFRESSER: (Throwing kisses to the audience) Thank you, thank you. You’re all so wonderful.

MICHELE BIMBEAUX: Well, let’s go on to your strippers. But first we’ll pause for this important messge.

ANNOUNCER: Back in the mid 1860s when George Krapp took his hogs to the county fair, he always got first prize. Even then folks noticed that his hogs had a special glow about them that set them apart from all the other hogs in the county.

For years, George kept this secret to himself until his wife, Chastity, talked him into bottling it and giving some of it to the neighbors. That’s how Krapp’s Hogwash was born.

Soon it spread like wildfire throughout the state, and George was forced to build a small factory to produce it. Before long, everybody in the county wanted some, and George’s factory expanded well beyond the little brick building that housed it into a great, big concrete-and-sheet-metal factory that employed seventy-five percent of the people in Hogwallow, Arkansas.

Today, Krapp’s Hogwash is made in factories all over the world. It is recognized by everyone to be the finest hogwash ever made. Its fantastic properties have also been found to be useful for doing many other things besides washing hogs. It is an important ingredient in many brands of shoe polish, floor wax, and cold cream, to take just three small examples.

Scientists have recently discovered that certain chemicals in Krapp’s Hogwash are very useful in fighting environmental pollution. And, wonder of wonders, it has been found that if Krapp’s Hogwash is injected into the stratosphere, it will even help restore the ozone layer.

That is why the folks at Krapp have agreed to do their part with NASA in its project to clean up our upper atmosphere. For each aerosol canister to be launched by NASA in its ozone restoration program, we at Krapp have agreed to provide our hogwash to the government at a very healthy discount.

I am sure that like everyone else, you will agree that we could do no less in this important fight to preserve our precious environment for future generations.

MICHELE BIMBEAUX: Now, Dr. Dreckfresser, tell us a little bit about your chimpanzee strippers.

DR. DRECKFRESSER: Yes, they are pygmy chimpanzees straight out of Africa. They are not the ordinary chimps you are used to seeing in movies with Ronald Reagan. These chimps are much less hung up on sex. They act very much the way we do, not the way we SAY we do.

MICHELE BIMBEAUX: Oh, how very interesting, so I guess they were easy to train as strippers.

DR. DRECKFRESSER: Yes indeed. There really isn’t much training involved, for they really enjoy their work. Some of my female strippers even personally picked out their own outfits from the Frederick’s of Hollywood catalogue. As you can imagine, I had to have all their outfits especially made because of their size.

MICHELE BIMBEAUX: I would think so. Are we ready to see your female stripper?

DR. DRECKFRESSER: Yes, I brought my very best one to this show. Her name is Pussy Galore.

MICHELE BIMBEAUX: What an original name! Okay, I think we are about ready to have Doc Severinsen and his band play The Stripper.

DR. DRECKFRESSER: Oh, how nice!

MICHELE BIMBEAUX: Yes, we were so pleased to be able to offer Doc Severinsen a new home after Johnny Carson’s retirement. Okay, Doc, hit it!

DR. DRECKFRESSER: You will notice that Pussy Galore walks around the stage surveying the audience and twirling her beads and feather boa before she starts to take her clothes off. (The audience roars.)

MICHELE BIMBEAUX: She must be making the most incredible eye contact with them. They really love her.

DR. DRECKFRESSER: They sure seem to. Now she is about to take her clothes off. (As Pussy Galore takes off each garment, the audience whistles and roars louder and louder and starts stomping its feet.)

MICHELE BIMBEAUX: I’ve never seen such stripping in all my life. That chimp’s really got class. My god, she’s even taken off her G-string.

DR. DRECKFRESSER: Yes, since chimps are not people but animals, we can routinely let them take off everything without risking an arrest for offending public decnecy.

MICHELE BIMBEAUX: How wonderful!

DR. DRECKFRESSER: We had one problem in the Bible Belt, however, where some Christian fundamentalists were trying to get laws passed to require domestic and farm animals to wear garments covering their private parts, but we find we do just fine if we pass those places up.

MICHELE BIMBEAUX: Well, it seems that Pussy Galore has finished with her act. We’ll let the members of our audience tell us what they think of it after this important message.

ROY L. FUCHS: Hi, there. This is Roy L. Fuchs of Fuchs Used Car Sales. Boy, are we ever making deals right now! Next week we are expecting a complete neew shipment of the finest quality pre-owned automobiles and absolutely have to remove all of our current inventory to make room for our new shipments.

Nobody can beat our prices anywhere. Nobody! Take for example this wonderful 1988 Toyota Corolla, an incredible creampuff of a car. It has only 25,000 miles on it because its former owner, a retired schoolteacher, used it only to make trips to the corner supermarket.

Look how solid it is! Nobody builds cars like the Japs. (Knocks on the front-right fender, and the wheels fall off.) Oh shit, George, get this goddamn thing off the lot!

Do you have credit problems? Don’t worry. Your own relatives won’t loan you money? Don’t worry. Not even your mother will loan you any money? Don’t worry. Here at Roy L. Fuchs we handle our own loans. So if you drive in here this afternoon, you’ll be driving out in the car of your dreams before the evening is over.

And be sure to bring the kiddies, for whether you buy a car or not, we’ll give each of your kiddies free rabbits or ducks. And don’t you forget: It’s always Easter at Roy L. Fuchs!

MICHELE BIMBEAUX: Now we’re going to see what the members of our audience think of the performance of Pussy Galore. Let’s start with that genteleman over there wearing the dark-blue pin-striped suit.

GENTLEMAN: Well, it was really amazing. I’ve never seen anybody do a strip job like that chimp. I hope my brother-in-law caught it on his VCR. It was simply awesome!

MICHELE BIMBEAUX: Well, we’re very glad to see you liked it. Perhaps that woman in the blue dress over there has a different opinion.

WOMAN: I thought it was utterly disgusting. As a matter of fact, it turned my stomach. Not only does it make sex objects of poor, defenseless animals, it perpetuates all sorts of disgusting stereotypes of women that should have been laid to rest long ago.

MICHELE BIMBEAUX: I was wondering when somebody would bring that point up. You, sir, in the long hair, what did you think of it?

MAN IN LONG HAIR: I found it disgusting. Something must have been written about it in the Bible somewhere. And if it wasn’t, it should have been! Why doesn’t Dr. Dreckfresser let animals simply be animals?

DR. DRECKFRESSER: I happen to be a great believer in letting animals be animals, unless they are carnivorous animals, of course. And I’ve got a lot of video footage of pygmy chimps being just that. Unfortunately, it isn’t fit for family television.

MICHELE BIMBEAUX: I would expect not. It is time to pause once again for another very important message.

ANNOUNCER: Walt Disney presents another exciting picture starring Rick Moranis once again as an absent-minded nutty scientist. In “Honey, I Cloned the Kid,” he inadvertently mixes some dilithium crystals from the Starship Enterprise with siome kryptonite from Superman’s home planet to produce a powerful laser that he accidentally turns on his son as he was playing with his blocks in his laboratory.

Suddenly his son splits into two like an amoeba. Minutes later the two of them split once again. Before long, they threaten to crowd everyone else out of the city. Then the state. Then the whole country.

All the medical ethicists in the world then meet on a luxury liner not far from Miami to decide how to handle the problem. When they fail to come to an agreement, things really get exciting. All of them get into a fight and start to beat the (bleep) out of each other, and helicopters have to be flown to the scene to rush them to nearby hospitals.

All the emergency rooms are soon overrun, and the medical ethicists remaining on the boat now have two gigantic problems on their hands. You will absolutely be kept on the edge of your seats as everyone struggles with this incredible mess. Be sure not to miss “Honey, I Cloned the Kid.” Now playing at a theater near you.

SECOND ANNOUNCER: This is the Twentieth Century Fux Cable TV Netrowk, Channel 69.

MICHELE BIMBEAUX: I understand, Dr. Dreckfresser, that you have also brought to our studios a male stripper.

DR. DRECKFRESSER: Yes, indeed, Michele. This chimp’s name is Horny Harry, and like Pussy Galore he really loves this work. I was amazed at how little training he needed in even the finer points of male exotic dancing.

MICHELE BIMBEAUX: Oh, that sounds very exciting. (Motions to Doc Severinsen.) Doc, let’s have some music appropriate for male stripping.

DR. DRECKFRESSER: As you can see, just like Pussy Galore he slowly struts around the front end of the stage, making eye contact with as many people in the audience as he can.

MICHELE BIMBEAUX: That’s a very lovely leather outfit he is wearing. Where did he get it?

DR. DRECKFRESSER: They were especially made for him at the Pleasure Chest, one of the finest boutiques in West Hollywood.

MICHELE BIMBEAUX: He certainly is making a hit with one of the shorter women in the audience. She is coming up on the stage and starting to dance with him. Oh, dear, I think it is time to pause once again for another very important message.

ANNOUNCER: Hy. Is your sex life suffering from the blahs? Has it completely lost its zing? Then you need to spend some time at the Twentieth Century Fux Academy of Sexual Intercourse. Just listen to what it did for Vava Voom:

VAVA VOOM: Several months before I heard of the Twentieth Century Fux Academy of Sexual Intercourse, my sex life went completely down the toilet. For awhile, I was thinking of seeing a psychiatrist.

Then a friend of mine recommended that I go instead to the Twentieth Century Fux Academy of Sexual Intercourse. While I was there, they assigned me to a sympathetic counselor who completely understood my problem and carefully evaluated it.

The first week I was there, he had me lie on my back on a long table and hung an apple above my left tit. For the entire week it was hit the apple, hit the apple, hit the apple.

Then the second week he added an orange above my right tit. Then it was hit the apple, hit the orange, hit the apple, hit the orange.

The third week he put a banana above my snatch. Then it was hit the apple, hit the orange, hit the banana.

The fourth week he put the handle of a coffee grinder up my ass. Then it was hit the apple, hit the orange, hit the banana, and grind like hell! And they didn’t let me graduate until I ground a pound of coffee.

ANNOUNCER: Since going through her course at the Twentieth Century Fux Academy of Sexual Intercourse, Vava Voom’s sex life has taken a tremendous turn for the better. She now has a half a dozen boyfriends and doesn’t know what to do with all of them.

You can give the same kind of zing to your own sex life by going to the Twentieth Century Fux Academy of Sexual Intercourse, where a sympathetic counselor will perform an expert evaluation of your needs and carefully supervise a personalized course of treatment just for you. To find out our location nearest you, all you have to do is dial 1-800-GETLAID. Once again, that’s 1-800-GETLAID. Maasturbatorcard and Visa accepted.

MICHELE BIMBEAUX: Well, that was an interesting spectacle indeed. Let’s talk to the woman who came up on stage to get in closer touch with Horny Harry. Tell me, how do you fell about what you just went through?

WOMAN: I love it. I love it. Tell me when we can get married!

MICHELE BIMBEAUX: Well, I can see she certainly knows what she likes! Let’s go to the gentleman in the red hat over there. What do you think about what has just happened?

GENTLEMAN: I think it was a disgusting display of bestiality. I’m sure the Bible says something against it somewhere.

DR DRECKFRESSER: Be that as it may, man has been practicing interspecies sex for centuries. And nobody thinks twice about marrying a jackass to a horse and producing a mule.

MICHELE BIMBEAUX: That’s a very interesting point. But before we can explore it further, we must pause once again for the following important message:

I. WILL CHEATHAM: Hi, this is I Will Cheatham of Ketcham and Cheatham. Do you find that television is a pain in the ass? And do you find that over time the pain has gotten worse? Well, now you can do something about it: Sue the bastards! And we at Ketcham and Cheatham are here to help you do it.

First, we will refer you to some of the finest board-certified proctologists available to take care of your rectal pain. Then we will go after the TV broadcasters who caused it in the first place. Remember, there is absolutely no risk to you, for if we don’t collect, you don’t pay.

MAN: Ketcham and Cheatham got me thirty-five thousand dollars.

OLDER MAN: Because I eventually had to have a permanent colostomy, Ketcham and Cheatham got me nine hundred thousand dollars.

I WILL CHEATHAM: Let us see what we can do for you! Call 1-800-SCREWEM. Once again, that is 1-800-SCREWEM.

MARGE: Al, I can’t take any more of this shit. Let’s see what Oprah’s got on. (She reaches for the remote-control unit.)

AL: I’m telling you, Marge, don’t change the fucking channel!

CLICK!

AL: Okay, Marge, you asked for it!

CRASH!

MARGE: Goddammit, Al, why did you throw that beer bottle through the fucking picture tube? Now the TV is no damned good for either of us. What are we gonna do now?

AL: I don’t know. I’m too damned drunk to get it up!

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