The Toilet Paper Recycling Plant Papers (“We’ll do ANYthing for the environment!”)

(The following articles were taken from various issues of the “Frisby City Times and Weekly Gazette”. They appeared at varying intervals and are presented here in chronological order.)

STRONZO AND ASSOCIATES TO BUILD TOILET PAPER RECYCLING PLANT IN SOUTH CENTRAL LOS ANGELES

(By Slimon Slieze)

Los Angeles has made a mighty leap forward in its progress toward a complete recovery from the rioting after the police assault on Rodney King when it signed with Bruno Stronzo an agreement to build and operate a toilet paper recycling plant in South Central Los Angeles. This is the second such agreement reached with the Stronzo organization.

The first involved building and operating at key locations in South Central six olfactoria similar to Stronzo and Associates flagship facility in Beverly Hills but modified to cater to the more downscale habits and tastes of those patronizing these new facilities.

This agreement was signed at a champagne gala in City Hall with Mayor Bradley, Peter Ueberroth, Arnold Schwarzenegger, and a host of other celebrities in attendance. Television reporters covering the event likened it to the Academy Awards ceremonies.

Mr. Stronzo himself arrived about fifteen minutes late for the event as his limo tried to pick its way through scores of other ones converging on City Hall with the movers and shakers of Los Angeles society.

Most of the men and women in attendance were wearing the latest top-of-the-line Stronzo fashions which in recent years have become de-rigueur among the toniest and most upscale people in Los Angeles.

Even rock musicians were wearing that understated Stronzo look that distinguishes them from rock musicians everywhere else–but only to the most exclusive glamour cognoscenti from the creme de la creme of the Los Angeles fashion world.

This understated LA look, unfortunately, is no longer unique to Los Angeles since it has become the fashion of choice among the nouveau capitalist riche in Russia and the other countries making up the former Soviet empire.

Still, even though the finest of Los Angeles fashion is no longer unique to LA, it got some of the rockers attending the ceremony out of a nasty scrape, for there were those who had drunk too much champagne at the event and started acting a bit rowdy around City Hall.

Several of them started shooting up with an undetermined substance. All of them stoutly maintained that they were diabetic and it was insulin.

The police, however, were somewhat skeptical and prepared to haul them in. The officers arresting them were wearing those new designer gloves bearing the Stronzo logo that have become so fashionable in police circles in recent years.

As soon as the police discovered the VIP Stronzo tags on the clothing of the rockers, however, they immediately released them with effusive apologies and drove them to their limos, which were parked some blocks away.

A police spokesman told us that they took fully three hours to locate their limos, for the streets around City Hall were still littered with them, and all of them looked alike.

Shortly after getting the rockers safely into their limos, the police arrested a deranged homeless man who was spraying all of the limos around him with Raid, shouting at the top of his lungs that the whole city was being invaded by an army of giant cockroaches and that the end of the world was near.

It was so easy to lose oneself in the tony but uninhibited festivities at City Hall that soon almost everyone forgot what the celebration was all about. We, however, very carefully pocketed our press releases from the Stronzo organization.

Briefly, here is what they contain: Bruno Stronzo has agreed to construct a toilet paper recycling plant in South Central using the very latest of recycling technology. It will be constructed at an accelerated pace to get it on stream as soon as possible.

In return for its investment in management knowhow, Stronzo and Associates will get construction funds from both the city and the federal government and will receive 100 percent tax credits for all its operatioins from the city, state, and the federal governments for the next fifteen years (with options for renewal) in recognition of the Stronzo organization’s demonstrated leadersthip in bringing new jobs to Los Angeles and developing important new strategies for protecting the environment.

“For many years now, Los Angeles has been very good to us,” said Mr. Stronzo to scores of his admirers while toasting the newly signed agreement. “And now it is time for us to give something back.”

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PROBLEMS IN TECHNOLOGY PLAGUE CONSTRUCTION OF TOILET PAPER RECYCLING PLANT

(By Simon Slieze)

Everyone in Los Angeles has been saddened by a long series of problems plaguing the toilet paper recycling plant currently under construction in South Central LA for Stronzo and Associates by the General Dynamics Corporation.

The biggest problems are with the technology itself, originally developed by General Dynamics under contract with the Navy, which wanted to explore ways it could demonstrate increased environmental sensitivity.

After commissioning a $14.8 million environmental impact report describing the effects of its ships on the marine ecosystem, the Navy decided to clean them up somewhat by developing a system to recycle their toilet paper.

Both General Dynamics and Rockwell submitted bids for the project of $5.4 billion, and the Pentagon had a very difficult problem choosing between companies.

“Someone suggested that we could just flip a coin to make the call,” said a Pentagon spokesman. “Then someone else pointed out that this would be a very un professional way of handling the problem.”

Fortunately, the Pentagon quickly found a way out of this impasse when General Dynamics resubmitted a confidential bid of $5.29 billion.

“All of us breathed much easier when we got this new bid,” said another Pentagon spokesman. “We had one of our most senior contract men working on this problem, and I must say he handled it exceptionally well.”

Two months after the agreement was concluded, this contract officer retired from the Pentagon. All his colleagues were unusually disappointed when he left.

“He was an exceptionally good man in his field,” said someone who had worked with him for years. But before long General Dynamics hired him as a contract consultant, and now we are very lucky to have access once again to his inputs and feedback, though now they come from a slightly different perspective, of course.”

The toilet paper recycling project, unfortunately, ran into some unexpected technical difficulties.

“Most of the trouble centered around the electrolytic method we decided to use for initial recovery,” said a high-level Pentagon engineering consultant. “It demanded much more electricity than we originally thought would be needed, and it was enough to overwhelm the power system of even the most powerful of the Navy’s ships.”

A senior team of engineers was dispatched to examine the problem. They felt that if they could redesign the primary electrodes, they could reduce power demands to a reasonable level. The Pentagon agreed and authorized another $3 billion to finish the job.

There were an extra $4 billion in cost overruns, unfortunately, and an independent team of engineers brought in by the Navy concluded there was no possibility that the power/sludge processing ratio could ever be made significantly more favorable.

The engineers at General Dynamics were greatly disappointed that their funds were cut off, for they felt they were on the verge of a breakthrough and could solve the problem with only an extra $500 million.

Both teams of engineers, however, agreed that the efficiency of the system could be greatly increased if it were scaled up enough to process the used toilet paper of a city of over 2 million; for in a recycling facility of such a size, it would be practical to supplement electrolysis with chemistry.

On the basis of this prediction, Los Angeles chose the General Dynamics over the Rockwell systems. Another reason was that prototypes for the General Dynamics system had actually been built; and even though their demand for electricity was excessive, they had actually been shown to work.

Unfortunately,, the electricity demands of the General Dynamics system, even when scaled up, were still outlandish. According to one engineer, they were even greater than the electricity needed by plants processing bauxite into aluminum. Another senior engineer working on the LA recycling facility described the problems in these terms:

“We have gotten SOME reduction in electricity requirements per pound of sludge processed in a test unit, but it is not as much as we expected, and the Department of Water and Power is frightened it may not be able to supply the energy needs of the project.”

There is a light at the end of the tunnel, however, for this technical problem seems to have a technical fix.

“The pipeline we are building from the Hyperion sewage disposal plant to the recycling facility,” said another engineer on the development team, “should contain enough methane gas to fuel internal-combustion-driven generators that will cover at least fifty percent of our power needs and bring external power requirements down to acceptable levels.”

These generators, unfortunately, were not included in the original contract. President George Bush, however, authorized supplemental funds to buy and install them.

“This project is an important investment in the future of America,” said the President. “And as your Environmental President I am committed to see this facility built and operating as soon as possible, for it is a prototype forming an important part of the future infrastructure of America.”

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POWER AND CONTRACT PROBLEMS PLAGUE THE TOILET PAPER RECYCLING PLANT IN SOUTH CENTRAL LOS ANGELES

(By Slimon Slieze)

Problems still continue to plague the construction of the toilet paper recycling plant in South Central Los Angeles and have led to some criticism of the project in certain quarters.

First there have been the technical difficulties. We have already reported that the technology the city chose for the recycling plant, developed by General Dynamics originally for Naval ships, will use up a lot of electrical power.

At first, project engineers believed that the pipeline carrying the sludge to the recycling plant would have enough methane gas to generate half of the electricity needed for all toilet paper recycling operations.

“These estimates, most unfortunately, turned out to be much too optimistic,” said a senior engineer on the project. “We now know that the methane-powered generators will produce only forty-five percent of the needed electricity at the very most. More likely, they’ll meet only around thirty-five percent of the demand. If they meet as much as forty, then I will be utterly amazed.”

The Los Angeles Department of Water and Power said it will be able to supply the remaining power demands, but only if it can build a new distribution station next to the plant. Other DWP representatives, however, don’t know how they will get the money to do the job.

“I don’t know how we will be able to pull this off,” said a high-level spokesman at the DWP. “We are operating on a very tight budget as it is, and I just don’t see how we can get the money to build the high-tension lines leading to the substation and the station itself.”

Mayor Bradley’s office did not seem to be particularly worried.

“Somewhere we will find the money for this project,” said the mayor, “for it is very important to Los Angeles. Not only will it supply many needed jobs to South Central, it will put Los Angeles on the cutting edge of environmental technology and make it a model that all other world-class cities will rush to imitate.”

Another DWP spokesman was not so optimistic: “Even if we get the money to build both the lines and the station, where will we get the money to buy the extra electricity we will need from the regional power grid once the recycling plant starts running during daytime peak-consumption periods? These problems, I fear, could lead to rolling blackouts throughout LA for the first time in its history.”

Power-supply problems, however, are but one of the difficulties faced by this project. Another one is General Dynamics’ choice of subcontractors. The company sees this problem as very important and is treating it with utmost urgency.

“We deeply understand the community’s need to be economically involved in the construction of the plant,” said a local PR spokesman for General Dynamics. “And we are doing everything we can to increase local community involvement. But you must remember that much of our subcontracting is highly technical, and most of our subcontractors must be comfortable with working in a highly technical environment. In the meantime, we have awarded many pipeline contracts to local firms–especially for trenching, in which South Central firms have demonstrated exceptional expertise.”

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FINANCIAL AND TECHNICAL PROBLEMS PLAGUE TOILET PAPER RECYCLING PLANT IN SOUTH CENTRAL LOS ANGELES

The toilet paper recycling plant now being built in South Central Los Angeles by General Dynamics has been plagued with all sorts of problems from the beginning of its construction.

First there were technical problems, the most serious being its huge demand for electricity. These problems showed up shortly after Naval commanders decided they wanted to lower their impact on the marine environment and awarded General Dynamics a contract to develop shipboard toilet paper recyclers.

Eventually, the Navy had General Dynamics abandon the project because of huge cost overruns and the conclusion by a panel of impartial engineers that it would never be posible to lower the power demands of these shipboard recyclers enough to keep them from being an undue burden on the power generating capacity of even the Navy’s largest ships.

Both General Dynamics and this neutral team of engineers agreed, however, that this toilet paper recycling technology would prove practical for cities with populations of at least 2 million since the electrolytic methods, which were the only practical ones for shipboard use, could be supplemented by other types of chemical separation.

These hopes in time may not be fulfilled, however. Even the gigantic Los Angeles toilet paper recycling plant is projected to require much more electricity than had previouly been thought necessary, even with the introduction of chemical techniques.

At first, project engineers were not worried. They were confident they could generate half they power they would need from the methane gas coming in with the sludge on the pipeline they have been constructing from the Hyperion Sewage Disposal Plant.

Unfortunately, funds for the methane-powered electrical generators were not included in the original contracts for the project. At the eleventh hour, however, they were produced when President Bush himself gave his unqualified support to the project because it embodied his concern for the environment.

Now, however, it turns out that these methane-powered generators will not perform as expected and will produce only between 35 and 40 percent of the power required for the project. Some engineers, in fact, insist the figure will be closer to 30 percent once the plant goes into operation, and the Los Angeles Department of Water and Power does not know how it will raise the funds to supply the extra power needed.

As if these weren’t problems enough, the program has also been plagued with alleged financial irregularities. Bruno Stronzo hired Neil Bush to help him with the finances for the project, and he has established several slush funds that have partly found their way into the pockets of a variety of high-level functionaries in Washington. As soon as this information was made public, Mr. Stronzo held a press conference in which he irately refuted all charges of wrongdoing.

“First of all, it is ridiculous to give the name ‘slush fund’ to the special financial reserves established by Neil Bush,” said Mr. Stronzo. “It is true that they do not follow standard accounting practice established by the AICPA, but Neil Bush is a financial genius and does not have to follow AICPA practices any more than Picasso had to follow the standard artistic practices of his time.”

Mr. Stronzo surveyed the reporters at the conference, looking impatiently down on all of them as if they were nothing more than ignorant children.

“Let me make one thing perfectly clear,” he said. “We hired Mr. Bush only because of his tremendous financial expertise, nothing more. And it is only because of his tremendous talents in this area that we pay him as handsomely as we do.”

After Mr. Stronzo made this statement, several reporters asked him why so many payments were made to high functionaries in Washington, including a very high, though so far undisclosed, account to Dan Rostenkowski of the House Ways and Means Committee.

“These payments were completely legitimate and justified,” said Mr. Stronzo. “A lot of people in Washington still are insensitive to the environment, to put it mildly, and see no value at all in recycling. Most of this money was paid to educate them to the need for sound environmental practices.”

At this point a faint halo of light appared around Mr. Stronzo’s head.

“I am sure that the Greens of all people should greatly appreciate this service that we have been performing for them without charging a thing,” he said. “And, I might add, it is a service we have performed with great pleasure out of our tremendous unselfish concern for the cause of environmentalism.”

Mr. Stronzo was then asked about the money he used to undewrite some of Mr. Bradley’s trips to Europe and Asia.

“It truly pains me when you misunderstand so greatly my philanthropic intent in this matter,” he said. “On each of these trips, Mr. Bradley has spoken about environmental degradation and the various strategies that can be brought to bear to combat it.”

A reporter at this point mentioned that Mayor Bradley talked mostly about the toilet paper recycling plant while traveling abroad.

“Of course he specifically mentioned this toilet paper recycling plant, because all of us in this city are very proud of it. He also talked about the latest development in glamour analysis, in which I have a certain internationally recognized expertise, but only because he appreciates the kind of work I have done in the past. On a recent trip to Russia, he talked about my newest lines of designer clothing, which are becoming very popular among consumers in the newly emerging upscale market in that country.”

Mr. Stronzo stopped, raised his upper lip into a slight sneer, and cast an angry glance at all the reporters present. All of them shook visibly. One of them fainted. Another one urinated in his pants.

“You must remember that Mr. Bradley is an adult and is free to talk about whatever he wants whenever he goes abroad. Even though I am very grateful when he talks about our new toilet paper recycling plant and my glamour analysis business on these trips, I recognize that he is a grown man, and I wouldn’t presume to tell him what to talk about myself, so why should anybody else?”

At the end of the conference, everyone gave Mr. Stronzo a standing ovation. All were happy that he had deigned to give such clear and cogent answers to these questions, and only an occasional malcontent seemed to profess any lack of satisfaction.

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NEIL BUSH UNDER INVESTIGATION BY COUNTY GRAND JURY FOR FINANCIAL IRREGULARITIES INVOLVING TOILET PAPER RECYCLING PLANT

(By Slimon Slieze)

The District Attorney’s office announced today that Neil Bush, the son of President Bush, has been under investigation by the county grand jury for financial irregularities in connection with the project to build the toilet paper recycling plant in South Central Los Angeles.

“It is imposible for us to elaborate on this further,” said a spokesman for the District Attorney’s Office, “because the proceedings of the county grand jury, given the sensitivities of this case, are being kept absolutely confidential.”

As soon as the news of this investigation hit the media, it gave rise to all sorts of commentary and speculation throughout the world. Shortly after the announcement, the President quickly called a news conference in the White House Rose Garden.

“All of us have been shocked on hearing of this investigation,” he said, “and I want to assure you that it is completely without a rational basis. There must be some sort of liberal vendetta against Neil Bush that is responsible for all this.”

The President stopped for a moment and looked away, obviously trying to hold back tears.

“You all know what it’s like in California, I’m sure,” he said. “They don’t call it the land of fruits and nuts for nothing, and I’m sure there have gotta be some real fruitcakes behind this investigation.”

The President paused and spit on the lawn.

“Why, hell,” he went on, “it now takes those stupid Californians about two months to put together their state budget. Instead of having the Los Angeles County Grand Jury investigate Neil, they ought to give him a job in Sacramento helping them with their budgets. Neil also has a positively brilliant idea for privatizing their electric utilities!”

Shortly after the President spoke, the First Lady came to the microphone.

“I think it is simply AWful the way those shyster lawyers and ignoramus jurors are going after poor Neil. George and I are deeply hurt, of course, but we are tough as nails and we can take it.”

The First Lady paused, making an obvious effort not to burst out crying.

“But our dog, Millie,” she said, “is very sensitive to this sort of thing. Already she is starting to howl piteously all through the White House. Now it’s fine with me if you want to give George and me such a hard time. But why are you taking it out on our poor, sweet, innocent dog?”

After the First Lady made this appeal, there was not a dry eye among the reporters present, and they slowly walked away from the conference as if they their mothers had just died.

Two weeks later, it was reported that Millie once again had some sort of medical emergency, and John Sununu, a staunch family friend of the Bushes, came out of his retirement job as a political consultant to fly Millie to the family vet in Kennebunkport in Air Force One. Their departure was delayed for a couple of hours until a squadron of fighter planes could be found to go with them on the trip. In the meantime, Millie was lying on the floor as sick as a dog.

Confidential sources reveal that Millie’s diagnosis was acute clinical depression, and a veterinarian psychiatrist was brought in to consult on the case. He decided to put her on Prozac, and in a couple of weeks her condition seemed to improve greatly.

John Sununu then returned to Kennebunkport in Air Force One to pick her up and return her to Washington.

For awhile she continued doing well. Then her condition turned unexpectedly for the worse, and John Sununu had to fly her back to Kennebunkport in Air Force One. Fortunately, he didn’t have to delay his departure this time since the Air Force had been keeping one of its crack fighter squadrons on twenty-four-hour alert ever since Millie returned to Washington with her Prozac prescription.

Shortly after dropping Millie off in Kennebunkport, John Sununu returned to Washington in Air Force One just in time for an important speaking engagement he had with the National Association of Manufacturers.

In the meantime, back in Kennebunkport, a whole host of verterinarians was flown in from all over the country and parts of Canada to consult on the case, so far without any successful outcome.

Throughout this crisis, the First Lady has been crying all over the White House, and the tons of flowers and get-well cards she has been getting from all over the country have not seemed to do too much to console her.

“It’s a very said time for all of us,” said a White House staffer. “All we can do is hope and wait.”

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GRAND JURY DROPS NEIL BUSH INVESTIGATION. PRESIDENT’S DOG RECOVERS. ALL WASHINGTON REJOICES.

(By Slimon Slieze)

The Los Angeles County Grand Jury today dropped its investigation into Neil Bush after taking testimony from character witnesses appearing on his behalf for fully six weeks.

“I have never seen anything like it before,” said one grand juror after it was all over. “It seemed like all the board members of the Forbes 400 appeared in support of Mr. Bush. But to top it all off was the appearnace of King Fahd of Saudi Arabia and the Sultan of Brunei, who gave us a tour of his hotel in Beverly Hills once we decided to drop all charges.”

The juror smiled with the confident satisfaction of a person who had done the right thing.

“Bruno Stronzo was also kind enough to grace this event with his personal appearance,” he said. “He fitted us all with entire wardrobes of his latest line of VIP designer fashions and gave us $5,000 gift certificates for his Beverly Hills olfactorium.”

Unfortunately, a few were not able to cope too well with the heady atmospherics of the event.

“All of us were overwhelmed by the presence of such glamour,” said the grand juror. “Robin Leach was there and fainted dead away. Someone had to call the paramedics for him. Fortunately, his camera crew was able to carry on and record everything beautifully, so Mr. Leach will be able to do his voiceovers later on.”

Not long afterward, the medical condition of the President’s dog improved dramatically. The next day John Sununu flew Air Force One from Washington to Kennebunkport to pick up Millie. This time the Air Force doubled his fighter escort. As Millie left the vet’s office, a flotilla of Navy and Coast Guard ships gave her a twenty-one-gun salute.

On the last legs of her return, all Washington crowded the streets to give the most heartful of welcomes to our nation’s First Dog. The Goodyear blimp flew overhead flashing a sign reading “Welcome home, Millie, and God Bless,” and the whole city was hysterical in its jubilance.

Millie herself barked cheerfully at everyone from the open window of her limo. At one time, she jumped through the window and ran into the happy crowd, extending her right forepaw and shaking hands with scores of people. TV commentators covering the event compared her political skills with Mikhail Gorbachev’s.

Soon the Secret Service got her back into her limo and insisted on keeping the windows closed until she arrived home.

After she drove onto the White House grounds, the President and everyone in the First Family played with her in the Rose Garden. When Neil Bush showed up, Millie barked ecstatically, climbed all over him as they played together, and licked him in the face until it was dripping wet. Those present said the President hadn’t been this happy since General Schwartzkopf gave him his final briefing on the Gulf War.

Later that evening, there were fireworks shows all over town, and at the White House there was a special laser show that ended by showing Millie running all through the heavens. One of the art critics of the “Washington Post” described it as “breathtaking … simply breathtaking!”

All of Washington was definitely in a partying mood, and things did not get down to a semblance of normality for the next three days.

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GRAND OPENING OF THE TOILET PAPER RECYCLING PLANT IN SOUTH-CENTRAL LOS ANGELES: EVERYONE IN CITY CELEBRATES

(by Slimon Slieze)

Gala festivities all over the city marked the grand opening of the toilet paper recycling plant built in South Central Los Angeles, which is expected to be a major source of new jobs all throughout the city.

“This event is a very important turning point for both General Dynamics and Stronzo and Associates,” said Mr. Stronzo in City Hall to the applause and adulation of everyone present.

He briefly paused and smiled at everyone around him. Some of the ladies present came forward and kissed his hands.

“For General Dynamics,” he went on, “it is an important demonstration of how defense technology can be converted to important civilian uses. For Stronzo and Associates, it marks yet another way we can serve the public with the unique effectiveness we have demonstrated over the years.”

Celebrations marking this event started in the morning with a champagne gala in City Hall and the Beverly Wilshire and Beverly Hills hotels. The whole city was celebrating with officially sponsored parades down Hollywood Boulevard, Wilshire Boulevard, and Central Avenue. There were also spontaneous parades and block parties in other parts of the city.

Long lines of limos from City Halls and Beverly Hills converged upon the recycling plant. Traffic in the area gridlocked, and both Mayor Bradley and Bruno Stronzo arrived a couple of hours late for the inaugural ceremonies.

Once they arrived, Mayor Bradley threw a switch activating the power at the Department of Water and Power substation, and Mr. Stronzo threw a second switch that turned on the recycling plant itself.

Five minutes later, some electrical equipment in the power plant started throwing huge sparks. At first, everyone was confused. Many thought some nearby fireworks had prematurely exploded before they were to be used early in the evening. It soon became obvious, however, that the recycling plant was overwhelming the capacity of the substation.

The Department of Water and Power immediately dispatched engineers to the scene, and after some very hard work they came up with a quick fix, but the recycling plant had to operate and only seventy-five-percent capacity.

Everyone commented on the sound of the sludge as it dropped from the pipeline into the first separation tank. Some compared what they heard to belching or farting. Others thought it sounded like some UFOs they had seen in the Mojave Desert.

A group of street choreographer soon developed a dance routine to the plop-plop-plop of the sludge as it hit the chemicals in the tank below, and some neighborhood rap singers improvised a song to the rhythm of the plopping. Their efforts were so successful that they were hired on the spot to help publicize the plant and educate the public on the importance of recycling toilet paper.

Also on display was a long assembly line that will soon be used for sorting used toilet paper on its way to the final processing tanks. Some of the used paper will come in special recycling canisters from the homes of people in LA. The canisters are designed in a bright floral pattern and bear the inscription “Can, don’t flush!”

The canisters were designed by staff of Stronzo and Associates and bear an especially handsome interpretation of the Stronzo logo on their lids. Everyone in the city is eagerly awaiting their distribution because of the very special Stronzo cachet that they carry.

Mr. Stronzo announced that he would soon be recruiting large numbers of people from South Central Los Angeles for collection and assembly-line work at the plant, and for miles around people were salivating at the prospect of landing one of these jobs.

“It is much easier to recycle toilet paper when the used paper itself is fed directly into the tanks,” he said. “Sludge, after, all, contains all sorts of things besides toilet paper, and it’s not easy to separate the paper from everything else, though the engineers at General Dynamics have automated the process very cleverly.”

At this point, Mr. Stronzo gestured proudly at the seemingly endless number of separation vats standing around him.

“Also, when you recycle toilet paper directly from used stock,” he said, “you do not have to worry about disposing of the remaining sludge as we must always do now. That is why we are soon going to take a two-pronged approach to recycling used toilet paper, the first starting with sludge, the second with used feedstocks.”

All those present, including representatives from the Sierra Club and the Greens, gave high praise to the plant. In a joint statement, the Greens and the Tree People said, “We are convinced that once plants like this become common in the large cities of the world, there is no telling how many trees will be saved.”

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STRONZO AND ASSOCIATES CELEBRATES THE INAUGURATION OF A NEW LINE OF DESIGNER TOILET PAPER MADE WITH RECYCLED STOCK.

(By Slimon Slieze)

In a gala celebration in Beverly Hills last Saturday evening Stronzo and Associates marked the first sale of its new line of designer toilet paper made from recycled stock.

The first sales took place at the olfactorium and defecatorium in Beverly Hills operated for some years now by the Stronzo organization.

Both venues stocked 50,000 roles of this toilet paper, and even at $180.00 per roll it sold out in two days.

“I was quite amazed that it sold out so fast–especially since it retails for twice as much as my most upscale toilet paper on unrecycled stock,” said Bruno Stronzo. “When my polling organization asked why, it discovered that most of my customers are happy to pay this high a price out of an eagerness to do something that will help the environment.”

The art on this new edition of designer toilet paper consists of abstract impressions of trees and rainforests from all areas of the world rendered in various shades of green on a paper stock with an understated tinge of brown. Many of Mr. Stronzo’s customers especially loved the color of the paper stock since they are into scat.

As with his other lines of designer toilet paper, Mr. Stronzo is producing limited S, G, and P editions with numbered rolls made of sterling silver, gold, and platinum. These sell for a much greater premium than the tolet paper on cardboard rolls.

Already these silver, gold, and platinum rolls are becoming very expensive collectibles. In recent auctions at Christies, on of Stronzo’s silver toilet paper rolls fetched $10,000. A gold roll was sold for $35,000. Two or more rolls with sequential serial numbers have sold for twenty-five to forty-five percent more per roll. So far, no platinum rolls have been sold at auction.

The late Malcolm Forbes is rumored to have twelve platinum rolls, which he kept close to his Faberge’ egg colletion. He also has a set of thirty-six Stronzo and Associates platinum cock rings, twenty-four of which he gave to his various male lovers later in life. One of these cock rings with a miniature engraving of Bruno Stronzo’s signature was recently sold at auction by Christies for $255,000.

In other news, the Stronzo organization has announced that it has hired about three-quarters of the people it will need to staff the assembly line feeing used toilet paper into its recycling system in South Central Los Angeles and expects to start this final phase of its operations there very soon.

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TOILET PAPER RECYCLING PLANT IN SOUTH CENTRAL LOS ANGELES INAUGURATES ASSEMBLY LINE AND HOME COLLECTION SERVICE

(By Slimon Slieze)

The toilet paper recycling plant in South Central LA has inaugurated its new home collection service for used toilet paper.

“This is unquestionably the most important phase of our program,” said Bruno Stronzo while surveying the activities at his plant. Outside, his first delivery trucks were lined up to be unloaded, and collection workers were busily emptying their canisters onto the conveyor belt. The empty canisters were then sent to another part of the plant for a thorough washing before being returned to the households that filled them.

“So far, we estimate half the households in LA have our toilet paper canisters in their bathrooms,” said Mr. Stronzo. “As we lease more trucks and hire more collection personnel, that number will be steadily expanded.”

After the toilet paper is dumped onto the conveyor belt, huge numbers of separation workers sort the used paper into pieces that contain snot, shit, come, or menstrual blood and drop them into larger canisters, which in turn are dropped onto other conveyor belts.

“We HAVE to make this four-way separation,” said Mr. Stronzo, “to increase the efficiency of our electrochemical reprocessing, for these four different types of used paper must be individually treated before they will blend in with the stock extracted from the sludge.”

Assembly line workers at the plant, all wearing water-proof uniforms bearing a handsome rendition of the Stronzo logo on their backs, seemed to be enthusiastically at work all down the line. The ones we interviewed said they were unbelievably happy to be working once again again–especially in such an ecologically important occupation. Many added that they often go to sleep at night counting not sheep but all the trees their work will ultimately save.

“This is a marvelous opportunity for all these people to achieve the American dream of upward mobility,” said Mr. Stronzo to us in front of an applauding audience of his new workers. “The ones showing promise HERE will be candidates for matriculation into the Stronzo Academy, where they can learn the basics of operating an olfactorium or defecatorium. In time, the most promising of them may move on to our more rarefied courses in glamour analysis.”

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LABOR TROUBLES ABOUND AT TOILET PAPER RECYCLING PLANT IN SOUTH CENTRAL LOS ANGELES

(By Slimon Slieze)

In the past weeks, labor unrest has started to develop in the Stronzo and Associates toilet paper recycling plant in South Central Los Angeles.

According to a group of workers there, the problems began when management started speeding up conveyor belts, making it much harder for workers to sort the used toilet paper as it passed them on the line.

On top of this, accuracy requirements were stiffened. Previously, workers were thought to do well if they made no more than fifteen sorting errors an hour. Now, even with the speeded-up line, if they are caught making more than ten mistakes per hour three times a week, then they are let go from the job.

“We had to accelerate the sorting process a little to increase our productivity at the plant and keep the price of our used toilet paper close to what our competitors charge for virgin paper,” said Bruno Stronzo. “We had to stiffen accuracy standards for our sorters so we could keep the quality of our final product competitive with what our competitors are turning out.”

Workers organized a grievance committee and went to the management of the plant asking at least for a raise in pay so that they can be more adequately compensated for the added stress resulting from the accelerated production schedule.

“Unfortunately, we had to turn the request down,” said Mr. Stronzo. “The added productivity that comes with even our new production schedule is not enough to justify any increase in wages at this time. Workers unwilling to live with these facts of economic life are invited to seek greener pastures elsewhere.”

There was talk among the workers of forming a labor union. On hearing this, Mr. Stronzo nodded his head sadly.

“I can’t imagine why the workers at our plant would want a labor union,” he said. “They must remember that they are involved in an important recycling enterprise and that their jobs are not merely a way of making money. Indeed, they are a true calling. Everyone working here must never forget that their work here is helping to save our planet. By sabotaging our efforts, as they seem to be doing right now, they are ultimately sabotaging themselves.”

…………………………

STRONZO AND ASSOCIATES MOVES THE SORTING OPERATIONS AT ITS TOILET PAPER RECYCLING PLANT DOWN TO TIJUANA, MEXICO

(By Slimon Slieze)

Stronzo and Associates has just announced that it is moving the sorting operatiosn at its toilet paper recycling plant in South Central Los Angeles down to Tijuana, Mexico.

“We’ve had it up to here with our labor disputes,” said Bruno Stronzo, pointing to his neck. “Despite our very best efforts to foster fair employee relationships at our plant, our labor force remains careless and ungrateful, and our labor costs have gone through the roof. We now have more workers’ compensation stress claims than any other employer in the city.”

Mr. Stronzo shook his head in sadness and disbelief.

“We have had to put up with sabotage on the line,” he went on. “We have had to put up with a bunch of lazy workers who sort our incoming toilet paper so badly that at times we must recycle the same stock two, sometimes three times before we can get it up to our exacting quality standards.”

Mr. Stronzo then announced that the new plant in Mexico was being built by Pemex, the national oil company of that country, which wants to both demonstrate greater environmental sensitivity and diversify its operations into areas that are not petroleum related.

This plant never could have been built without the support of the Mexican government. At first, Mexican officials were reluctant to sponsor this enterprise. In time they changed their mind, however, once the Stronzo organization hired about two hundred petroleum, political, and industrial consultants recommended by the Mexican government who will be working with Stronzo and Associates on several other environmental projects in Mexico.

Mr. Stronzo also agreed to build three olfactoria and defecatoria in Mexico City and two in Guadalajara. Finally, he agreed to train selected appointees of the Mexican government in glamour analysis at the Stronzo Academy in Beverly Hills.

“We regret that we have had to export these sorting jobs from Los Angeles,” said Mr. Stronzo, “but performing them in Tijuana will cost us so much less that it will even justify the added transport costs for getting our used feedstocks to and from our Mexican plant in Tijuana.

Mr. Stronzo beamed with pride. “On the other hand,” he added, “this situation definitely has its upbeat side. We are very pleased to note that the Mexican government has developed a keen interest in world-class glamour analysis and our organization is very pleased to be honored to help them pursue it.”

Mr. Stronzo then emphasized that only the sorting jobs will be lost to Los Angeles and that none of the colection jobs will be affected.

…………………………

TRAGIC EXPLOSION DESTROYS SLUDGE PIPELINE AND TOILET PAPER RECYCLING PLANT IN SOUTH CENTRL LOS ANGELES

(By Slimon Slieze)

The sludge pipeline leading from the Hyperion Sewage Disposal Plant to the toilet paper recycling facility in South Central Los Angeles burst into a massive explosion early this morning.

The blast occurred all along the length of the pipeline into the auxiliary-power engines powered by methane from the pipeline and sent huge pieces of the engines flying all over the plant and into the neighborhood.

Both the plant itself and the sludge pipeline were completely destroyed by the blast and ensuing fires, and so were many of the buildings surrounding both the pipeline and the plant.

“Fire was everywhere along the length of the sludge line,” said a spokesman for the Los Angeles Fire Department. “It looked as though the hand of God itself had taken a gigantic blowtorch to the entire length of the line. I have never seen anything like it. This is an even greater tragedy than the recent explosion of the sewer lines in Guadalajara, Mexico.”

“There is no way of coming up with an accurate measurement of the total losses right now,” said a casualty insurance examiner after making a quick estimate of the damage. “But I would say that at the very least we are talking two or three billion dollars.”

Within hours of the explosion, Governor Pete Wilson declared everything around the pipeline and recycling plant a state disaster area. Before long, he said, he would be sending in the National Guard to prevent looting.

Shortly afterward, President Bush declared everything around the plant and pipeline a federal disaster area and offered to send in Army troops if needed to maintain the peace.

The Federal Emergency Managerment Agency (FEMA), still reeling from criticism for the way it handled the Hurricane Andrew disaster in Florida, was determined to show that it now had things well in hand. It flew in about a dozen helicopters which dropped down to the frightened, desperate people below a huge supply of buttons saying, “Have a nice day” and “Don’t worry, be happy.”

Mayor Bradley’s office issued a prepared statement deploring the extent of the tragedy and reassuring all of Los Angeles that the recycling plant would soon be rebuilt, but not with General Dynamics technology. This time the contract would be issued to Rockwell.

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